[Fic] Bad Press

[kanadka]

Title: Bad Press
Author/Artist: kanadka / kanadka
Prompt: Sweden, Denmark - Winter (1600s or 1900s)
Rating: T for language
Words: 2.4k
Notes: Muscovy is Russia, Flanders is Belgium, or make them OCs if you really prefer. Hanse is an OC of mine representing the Hanseatic League but she hardly appears here. Everybody else is only really passing through, it's mostly Denmark and Norway. There's elements of DenSu and I wanted to make it more overt but it wouldn't really cooperate.
Summary: Denmark puts his big mouth to good use. (Not as dirty as it sounds.)

--

"So y'really just rolled over, didn't you," said Norway. He scoffed. "Knew it."

"Aw, Sweden is just too military powerful to say no to," said Denmark, frustrated.

"Oh, you wouldn't say no even if you could," Norway replied.

Denmark went to Brömsebro and all he got as souvenir was letting Sweden be exempt from sound dues (and that was annoying, Sweden clearly had a boatload of gold if he was spending it on his armed forces and from the strength of it he was) and ceding a bunch of land. Also super annoying.

"And it's mostly mine, I note," said Norway archly. "Funny, that."

"Don't worry," said Denmark, "we'll definitely get it back. And I had to leverage Halland as a promise I'm good on my word so y'know, it's not just you!"

But it was mainly Norway.

Mostly Denmark didn't like the way that meeting had been attended by so many rubber-necking on-lookers. Others watching Denmark give away parts of himself like it was Christmas (or parts of Norway but like, same thing). Laying himself open for Sweden's plunder and taking! Was that a spectator sport now? Ask France, Hanse, Portugal, Mecklenburg and Stralsund and it sure was!

He supposed it could've been worse, Netherlands could've been there. Not like Hanse wasn't gonna go off and tell Flanders, though, and Flanders was a filthy gossip.

"Well, what's the plan, then," asked Norway.

"I'm gonna bide my time and wait 'til he gets his guard down," said Denmark. "Then stab him in the back."

"I see," snapped Norway. "So you ain't got a plan besides yer big mouth. What good's that against Sweden?"

Whatever, thought Denmark sullenly, it wasn't like they could afford another war right now. Neither of them.

But later that night, tucked away in bed, it hit him. What good, indeed!

--

Ten years later, the waiting was finally starting to pay off. Queen Christina abdicated - probably because Sweden was a terrible country to be boss of, and Denmark should know - and her cousin Charles X Gustav ascended to be Sweden's new boss. He was kinda fight-picky, that one, as bosses go. But he was also good at winning stuff. Sweden picked a fight with Poland because Poland was easy pickings (he'd been having domestic issues with Lithuania since the end of the religious wars) and those two had unfinished business. From what Denmark could tell, Sweden had scrambled up cash to afford mercenaries.

Must've been a lot of cash. Mercenaries were expensive.

Denmark began to think strategic. Muscovy was a clear threat to Sweden's interests - and was in a better position to pay mercenaries - but Sweden probably didn't want to pick a fight with him - Muscovy fought dirty - and Muscovy and Poland could turn around and ally up against Sweden, which Sweden definitely didn't want, and which Denmark definitely wanted. If Sweden were going up against Muscovy he'd only do it with Polish-Lithuanian aid.

But domestic issues in the commonwealth aside, Sweden and Poland's issues had been going on for a few years now.

It started small. "Well," said Denmark to Hanse, in passing, "if Sweden wants to court Lithuania and get into bed with him to piss off Poland, that's a weird way about getting into other people's business. Not that it's any of my business. Think they'd make a cute couple though." He knew it was inflammatory - that was exactly what he wanted.

Hanse got the word around, because that was what Hanse was great at, and murmurings reached Prussia and by way of Prussia, Poland. Poland got back to him a month later, exactly as Denmark had hoped.

And Poland was hopping mad and had lots to say about Sweden's deluge. Bless Poland's big mouth, thought Denmark.

("You know, you two are of a pair," said Norway.

"What are you, jealous?" said Denmark, "He's cute, but Catholic."

"Dunno that I'm the jealous one," muttered Norway.)

"He's fast," said Poland angrily. "You should've warned me."

"C'mon, you could've put that together," said Denmark, "mercenaries are costly and he only has so much gold."

"Little busy for analysis!" Poland retorted.

From Poland, Denmark had discovered what else Sweden had been doing in someone else's house. He had pretty much ignored everything he said he wouldn't do and had gone and done it anyway. ("Shocking," drawled Denmark to Norway in private.)

Don't worry, had said Sweden, I won't loot and be a bad houseguest.

Said Poland to Denmark: "He totally looted and was a terrible houseguest."

Said Denmark to Netherlands: "So I heard from Poland that Sweden can't control his mercenaries, and he's just letting them do whatever they want and loot anything. Pretty sure he's drunk all the time from the stolen wine. Bet you he stole it from churches. Sweden would definitely do something like that."

Said Hanse to Denmark: "Sweden says that he needs the money to pay for the mercenaries so that's why he's looting. It just has to be like that. And he says you should stop spreading lies."

Denmark conferred privately with Poland. "Ain't lies if he did it," said Denmark to Hanse.

Don't worry, had said Sweden, I'll definitely respect the szlachta.

Said Poland to Denmark: "Yeah, he didn't respect jack. He made Kraków and Warsaw give him all the złoties!"

Said Denmark to Muscovy: "And then, when Poland didn't have any money left, Sweden said oh I see, well, that's a nice church you have, I bet it has money."

"He didn't!" said Muscovy in an awed hush. Very well, Denmark was embellishing a little but Muscovy hung on his every word when it was a little more sensational and the feeling of his rapt attention was just too flattering and you know what, maybe Denmark had always been a little theatrical, why not indulge?

"He did," added Denmark, "and it didn't take long for it to turn bloodthirsty because that's just Sweden's style -"

Said Denmark to France: "- his drunken mercenaries murdered a subdeacon, and a bishop, a-and a whole cloister of nuns -"

Said Denmark to Netherlands: "- I told you he couldn't control his mercenaries -" Netherlands was glaring an awful lot so the message was clearly getting through, Netherlands was definitely mad at Sweden now and he had to be because he was Denmark's best friend! Or maybe that was the merchant blockade that Netherlands was tired of. That too.

Said Denmark to Hanse, who was on her way to England: "- and he's occupying the monasteries - bet you some people have an inkling of what that's like -"

Said Denmark to Prussia, who was a weirdo and loved his books: "- he ripped out all the pages in all the tomes in the abbey libraries to burn them to light fires - books on fire - he torched a university -"

"Did he really?" asked Prussia.

"Yeah, probably," said Denmark. Sounded bad. Sounded like Sweden!

Said Poland to Denmark: "Also his horses shit everywhere. Look. I know you two are close -" Denmark sputtered we're not close and Norway rolled his eyes - "and I'm not saying Sweden's a barbarian but like ... he's kind of a barbarian."

And Poland was already pissed, because Denmark had been making nasty suggestions that Sweden and Lithuania were just a little too close together - and because Lithuania was already making it look like they were close, so Lithuania wasn't exactly dissuading those rumours (and why should he, Sweden was his best chance to leverage a better position with Poland, but it stung too somehow, for reasons he couldn't quite explain, what was Sweden doing getting so chummy to Lithuania anyhow).

("How much for a woodcutting of those two kissin', you think," asked Denmark idly. "Could put posters all up around Ösel. Make Poland mad, it'll make Sweden mad."

"Ösel ain't yours anymore. You couldn't find something better to spend yer money on?" asked Norway, incredulous.

"All part of the plan," replied Denmark, and merrily signed a declaration of war against Sweden and a pact with Poland.

"Reserving applause for later," said Norway.)

--

Thus, by the time Denmark formally declared war and began entering it - by dispatching an army to take Bremen, and invading Jämtland and Västergötland - pretty much everybody had heard all about the terrible things Sweden had done and had happily joined Denmark's anti-Sweden club (no Swedens allowed, not even one). Technically, Sweden was still in alliance with Brandenburg, and Brandenburg barely held the parts of Prussia he wanted to wrest from Poland, so Denmark assumed he'd stick around for his only remaining ally.

Sweden did not do this.

"He said he was coming home, actually," said Hanse. "He looked real mad. Real mad at you."

This had Denmark momentarily thrown. A flutter in his belly began that he told himself was nerves and firmly quashed. "He can't come home! If he does that, he'll lose his only ally left!" he said. Also, Denmark was not really prepared.

Hanse, who had seen Sweden's speed and force, shrugged. "Starting to think he doesn't need one," she replied.

("Doesn't concern you a tad?" asked Norway.

"Aw, she just thinks Prussia can't handle a fight," said Denmark.

"He's literally a fief," said Norway. "He can't handle a fight. Hell, I'd ditch him too."

"You'd just ditch him 'cause he's loud!"

"Mm. If wishes were horses," said Norway.)

But Denmark put his money where his mouth was and finished building himself that tasty new castle at Fredriksodde. "Y'know," said Netherlands, who was passing through at the time, "you sure care a lot about this guy for someone who you claim to hate."

"Thank you," said Norway, while Denmark had himself a minor conniption fit, "I've been saying this for generations but he can't stop running his fool mouth long enough to listen to me."

"Talk like that makes it sound like I've got a fixation!" Denmark finally stammered.

Netherlands shrugged.

"Don't you?" asked Norway.

"No!" said Denmark. "The way Sweden's been acting in Poland, and given the height and strength of his fleet and armies -"

"So you admit at last he overpowers us," muttered Norway. "Will wonders never cease."

"- you really want a guy like that runnin' the Baltic? Come on!" Denmark folded his arms over his chest but puffed it out anyway. "That's the only consideration I've got."

"Consider, though, Sweden doesn't pay sound dues," said Netherlands, by means of explanation.

"That was because of the treaty! And besides - you haven't paid sound dues for years!"

"Well," Netherlands said primly. "That's the buddy's price. So you and Sweden are buddies, I guess?"

Denmark glared. Norway sniggered, and was probably laughing at it, but damn him for Denmark was tryin' real hard to be serious for once. "Look. Can I count on your support in this or not?"

"'Course," said Netherlands.

"Because we're buddies, right?"

"Because he attacked first," said Netherlands. "And he's doing that dumb blockade thing."

"See, I would never do a dumb blockade thing," said Denmark.

--

Denmark absolutely went ahead and did a dumb blockade thing.

It was incredibly inefficient because of the bad weather and he gave up after a half-hearted attempt before Netherlands even had to come calling.

"Do you have something to do with this?" he had asked Norway. "Y'got them skills."

"Me? Bit counterproductive in my interests, isn't it," said Norway. "I am gonna say I told you so, though." Norway had in fact told him so. Norway'd been doing that a lot, lately, but Denmark kept listening because it helped fuel his strikes against Sweden, so it was really no harm no foul.

Poland came through with a force from the south east, and Denmark sailed in from the north west, and the idea was to flank Sweden at Pomerania but he evaded them readily. He was ignoring Poland straight up, coming straight for Denmark it seemed, pushing back where Denmark had made ways into Swedish mainland. And Poland wasn't chasing. Denmark supposed he had enough on his plate with Royal and Ducal Prussia - Poland was to blame for seducing away Sweden's last ally Brandenburg. Why seek statehood from the king of Sweden when they could get it from the king of Poland?

Sweden met him directly with a fleet at Møn, and though Denmark and Sweden each had a fair number of ships (size mattered), the fighting didn't lead anywhere. They called it a day and headed home.

("You're clearly not getting those territories back anytime soon," said Norway. "So can we please be done with this now?"

"Don't worry," said Denmark, "we're not done with this!"

"Yep," said Norway tightly, "thought so. Great.")

Or so Denmark thought, for in the winter of that year it grew nastily cold. ("An' you're sure you didn't have anything to do with this?" Norway did not bother answering with anything besides a glare.) They couldn't even budge those lovely ships they had out of port, and nearly every strait was frozen. Sweden stormed Frederiksodde, and Denmark could do little about it from Copenhagen.

"Well, not to worry," said Denmark. "He won't try anything. Sweden'll be stuck in the ice too." Just like Møn, they'd have each other at an impasse.

"Oh yeah," said Norway, looking out the window. "He sure looks real stuck to me."

For Sweden and his seven-thousand man army was marching across the ice of the Great Belt. If they lost anyone to the waters it was too few, and in a matter of hours Sweden had crossed to Langeland, Lolland, Falster, Zealand, and then he'd strode right up to Copenhagen, let himself in, walked right up to Denmark - that fluttery feeling had reappeared in Denmark's gut - grabbed him by the ruff of his coat and hoisted him into the air, held him inches from his face and growled: "Heard y'been talkin' shit."

Then he reared back with his fist, struck once, and all was black before Denmark could say a thing.

--

When he came to (with an angry concussion), Denmark found Sweden and Norway chatting, relatively amiably. Norway had that effect on people, Denmark knew, though it pissed him off anyway. "First he takes my lands, then he takes my castles, now he takes my friends," Denmark grumbled.

("And who told my king that retaliation was a fool's errand?" Denmark asked later, mostly rhetorical.

"Me," said Norway. "We're gonna stall.")

There were a few other observers at the peace banquet Sweden insisted on holding at Fredriksodde. Hanse and Portugal were asking him how he'd thought about the ice, surely reconnaissance had suggested some risk? Sweden shrugged and called them acceptable losses. Sweden's boss was sitting pretty at the table (Denmark's table!) getting a woodcutting done to celebrate, trying his best to capture his good side, no doubt.

But despite Sweden's obvious wild madcap crazy success, he didn't damage that anti-Sweden sentiment nearly as much as he'd like.

Comments

[yuuago]

Man that Denmark, spreading alll the rumours, what a guy. :D

Said Poland to Denmark: "Also his horses shit everywhere. Look. I know you two are close -" Denmark sputtered we're not close and Norway rolled his eyes - "and I'm not saying Sweden's a barbarian but like ... he's kind of a barbarian."
^PFFFFF. Just. Everything about this. :D Yes!!! Man, you know what I never needed - Denmark and Poland gossiping together... bless you for this.

And good gods, the ANTI-SWEDEN CLUB help I'm dying.

""Talk like that makes it sound like I've got a fixation!" Denmark finally stammered." Well I would call it an awkward boner really but yeah that's about right.

And. Omg. That bit where Sweden marches right in and grabs him and pulls him up and and and :D :D :D I AM DELIGHTED.